This last week in Tel Aviv was very inspiring, I spent every morning in the dance studio at Batsheva taking Gaga. I haven't been in a dance studio consistently like that in probably 5 years, since graduating BoCo. I left the dance world in a panic, frustrated, injured, and disappointed in myself and the path that I had gone down. With so many years in the dance studio with extreme negative self talk rolling my inner game, I had taken on the title of a "victim of dance". Since my healing journey began and I started to rewrite the stories and beliefs that had been playing in my mind I really began to feel a new life being gifted to me. A fresh start. One without dance. Now here is the blind part that I've been neglecting for much too long, is this HUGE fear of getting back in the dance studio to have all my old patterns and beliefs come knock me down again. I have found a way to live in peace, authentic happiness in my life (of course with the ups and downs) but I wasn't in a place where I was being totally self destructive like before. I knew how to do this in my life, outside of the dance studio. Inside of the dance studio being the biggest beast to take on. So here I am, finding myself in regular classes again and facing my deepest fears of coming back to a place of destruction.
I can't say I have an answer, or that I ever will. What I can say is that I'm tired of sweeping that part of my life under the rug and trying to forget all that was gifted and taken from me through dance.
After one of my classes a few days ago I wrote this social media post:
"Gaga has got me.... I’m loving being back in the dance studio every day. My body aches with joy! My heart pulses with fire. My sleep is heavy and calm. I’m so grateful for this body that has endured so much abuse from my early years. I have such a respect for it now, taking the time to stretch, warm up, cool down, and full on love every inch! Being back in the studio with consistency is testing my mental game on new levels. No longer do i let myself slip into the negative self talk that ruled my life. It’s a deeper, more intense version of meditation for me. Staying in the moment, being present in my mind, subtle to my energy, inquisitive with my body, exploratory with my sensations. Thank you Gaga for reminding me of the beauty of subtlety and softness. 🙏"
Besides being in the dance studio this transformation has shown itself through my hair! I've been undreading one dread at a time for the past 6 months. Upon arriving to Tel Aviv I realized this was the time to let go of that old me and full step into the new me that has been traveling the world and taking more responsibility for my own actions like never before. So yesterday I finally finished taking ou the last dread and wen into the hair salon to get all clean up. The clarity, freedom, and lightness that has come over me feels physically life changing. I feel like I'm actually able to write, feel, speak, dance, sing more clearly after letting this go.
Another major lifestyle change that has been opening my mind to new perspectives is that I've been vegan since arriving in Israel! I'm staying with my dear friend Amanda, who is vegan, and so I felt like this would be a great time to test out those waters. Being around her has really shown me how easy this can be. I've been enjoying it and my body is very thankful for this clean energy. I feel like I've lost some weight (also due to the dancing) since the very heavy Ireland trip filled with potatoes, meat, and Guinness.
I'm not sure if I'll stick to being completely vegan afterwards but I will stay away from cheese, bacon and red meat I think.
I have another week here and am so excited to do some more sightseeing. Today Amanda and I are going to see a Batsheva performance (SOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!) tomorrow we're going to another underground all day party, Sunday going to Jerusalem, and then Monday I'm doing a tour of a few place outside of Tel Aviv. So wish we luck as I travel around. I've been keeping safe and haven't felt any hints of danger or anything but unfortunately yesterday Tel Aviv got bombed so all my friends and family in the states were reaching out a bit worried. I have my pink light surrounding me and all senses are open and observant.
Subtle body. Subtle mind.