Week One and the Fire of Brigid
No matter your level of woo, being in a group of strangers, getting ready to open your deepest wounds— is intimidating. Those voices of self-doubt start to whisper in your ear, asking you if this is something you really want to do. And then the defenses dressed up as excuses start talking: I don’t have to stay if i don’t want to. Then we think about all the time we have to invest: Do I really even have time for this? I have so much on my plate...I don’t know how I’ll make this work..I should really be doing this other thing….. The problem of being a smart and powerful woman is that you can talk your way in and out of everything. I was hesitant about joining Global Goddess even though it sounded exactly like something I had been seeking. I was telling myself that I wasn’t worth the money, the time, the uncomfortable openness I would have to face. I am also afraid of what I will discover. Something pushed me towards this, we don’t really do things we don’t want to do—even if we’re forcing ourselves there. There is something inside you telling you, you need this. Regardless of being scared AF, we push ourselves forward because we know there is a greater force that wants the best for us.
I’m in my first semester of graduate school, I’m in a completely new place where I don’t yet have solid connections, I’m a single parent— there are multitudes of reasons why carving this time out for myself feels overwhelming. I spend 11am-2:30 pm on the Monday of our first meeting tutoring as a Writing Fellow at my University’s Writing Center and then rush off to class in which we workshopped a memoir piece of mine. From 3:00-5:45 I am engrossed in emotional responses to my work and the work of my classmates. I rush to my car to commute the 40 minutes home and make my daughter dinner before joining the call. Right before the meeting commences, I sink into my exhaustion. One hour, I say. I am silent. I am nervous. I want to shut my computer and apologize for not being ready to do this. My eyes feel heavy and worn out, and that voice saying, you don’t deserve to be here. Then I start to see all of these other nervous faces and I know I’m not alone. We begin with introductions, hellos, and trying to sink ourselves into a collective space. We talk about the meditation we were supposed to do before our meeting (I honestly didn’t mean to not do it, I just don’t read emails thoroughly, apparently) and we break out into paired rooms to share our experience. I am immediately relieved as I do a lot better one-on-one. I meet Britania, first. We immediately connect over the fact that today was not really our favorite day but we’re pushing through it. My heart breathes a sigh of relief. We start going over the questions of why we’re nervous to be here and what’s coming up for us as we start this journey. As we transition back to the full group we begin our exploration of Brigid. The Celtic Goddess of FIRE! Meant to burn the old versions of ourselves, forge new paths, burn all that stands in our way. How fitting to have the Goddess that burns all to start anew—she is also the goddess of healing. That’s what we came to do after all, isn’t it? I have arrived with an expectation that this will begin to heal something in me. I know that nothing comes instantly, but I can still try! Rae speaks up and reminds us that no one can heal us. We can only heal ourselves. This is where all the fun is—buried in the hard work.
As the group progressed, and we talked to each other more, I began to feel much more comfortable. I was still not talking much, but I know I will in the future. We were given assignments, beyond our weekly work, to commit ourselves to some type of goal. We were also supposed to contact our sisters and ask them how the week went. I think we are all so stunned, what words can we say? I know that this group is going to change my life. How? I couldn’t tell you. But, I know it will. It has already. And I am excited to throw myself into this group and experience all of the emotions I’ve kept myself hidden from.